Broken

Reports of mass shootings are no longer uncommon. The fact that I can even make that statement is somewhat appalling and mind boggling, but it doesn't make it any less true. Have we become immune to such violence? Have we seen so much of it on TV, in movies, news reports, music lyrics, and video games that we are no longer affected by it? I would have answered YES to those questions, before a crazed gunman opened fire in a kindergarten class at Sandy Hook Elementary.  I'm truly saddened and feel guilty that it took such a horrific event, to finally wake us up and realize our society is broken. The question now is just how badly are we broken, and is there any way to repair all the damage that has been done?

Today's society is all about the quick fix. Instant gratification. We can ask why. We can theorize all manner of causes for such an atrocity, and point fingers at firearms, and mental illness. But are we as a society prepared to delve into the honest, raw truth of why and how we have reached such depth of depravity that we no longer value human life above all else?  Have we become so focused on maintaining a level of political correctness that we have devalued teaching our children right from wrong, or to believe in something other than our science and technology. In something other than our own inflated sense of self importance?

Some folks have openly asked where was God? If there is a God, why didn't He stop this from happening? Perhaps the answer we suddenly find ourselves searching for is just as intangible, yet ever present like the God we have deemed politically incorrect, and removed from a society as broken as the lives, hopes and dreams, of 26 innocent people and their loved ones they leave behind. My faith tells me that as little children suffered, and educators sacrificed to save their students, God was there so they were not alone in those last terrible moments. No matter how many turn their lives away from Him, and evict Him from  classrooms, and public buildings, God is always there for us.

 Sure, we can take away all the guns, lock up and vilify all the mentally ill, put armed guards in our schools, but will that fix what is truly broken within us as a society?  Can we come together body, mind, and spirit to work together as a collective whole to atone for our social shortcomings? In this season of hope, let us all take time to look inside ourselves, to stop and allow simple gifts of gratitude, kindness, and concern for one another take precedence over materialism, and selfishness.  Each of us are but one piece of society's whole, and until we heal individually, our society will remain broken and irreparable.

Blessings in Disguise

Tomorrow marks the start of the holiday season, and a time of year I once looked forward to. Now, it simply means I have to avoid the mall crowds unless I care to risk serving jail time. Tomorrow is also a national day of Thanksgiving, a day originated by our forefathers who suffered way more than most of us ever will, and appreciated simplicity. Of course life was much simpler then, much harsher, and although progress and technology have improved one's chances of survival, and longevity, life is still a fragile gift that can be lost in the blink of an eye.

Loss is something we have all felt and dealt with, some more than others, and not always through death. Some of us may mourn not for loved ones, but perhaps a job, or foreclosed home, a friendship ended by betrayal, a broken marriage, or for some sense of self,  spirit,  or peace of mind that is lost or forgotten. When we suffer, we lose sight of our gratitude, and we can't see the simple things that bless our lives when our hearts are darkened by despair. This is why it's important to search down deep and find what I call blessings in disguise.

Blessings don't always present themselves positively, or instantly. Sometimes it takes a while for certain blessings to be revealed, and can be born of tragedy, and heartache. I guess it's cliche' to refer to the glass half empty/full mentality here, but that is a major part of recognizing a disguised blessing. Throughout my life my glass has been both half full, and empty, and at times overflowing and left with nothing but dregs at the bottom. Now, I've finally reached that place in my life where my glass  doesn't have to be half full or empty, just as long as there Maker's Mark in it I'm good. Not saying good bourbon has helped me find my disguised blessings, but it hasn't hindered me either.

I'm sure you are now wondering just what the hell is a disguised blessing, and how do you find them, or recognize them.  Well, I can't really tell you anything specific, because blessings are usually created through individual circumstance, and don't always come to light immediately. But, you have to open your heart, and mind to the possibility of something good coming from something bad. That the negative can have a positive, the balance of good versus evil. My personal example is I found out who my true friends are when my husband died very unexpectedly a couple of years ago. Knowing I had trustworthy friends I could depend on when I needed them most was a huge blessing.  Stop and think about your own, or someone you know, similar situation and I bet you will discover some small blessing in there somewhere.

So, if you are blessed to have family and friends to share Thanksgiving with, or even if you are alone, just stop and remember there is always something to be thankful for, even if it's not right in front of you. Remember that tomorrow isn't promised, and that everything and everyone we take for granted or under appreciate, disregard, and/or overlook today, may just be that disguised blessing you've been waiting, hoping, and searching for.

Plenty of Fish: Hook, Line, and WTF?

If you've ever attempted to navigate the waters of online dating, then you have experienced just how deceitful, and low down some people are. Granted, I have met some very nice guys on plentyoffish.com or POF, who have become very good friends of mine, and maybe one day one of those friendships might become something more. But, in the meantime, here are a few pointers for any of y'all who are considering online dating, or just haven't had any success at finding that special someone, much less a date.

First of all, be honest. I mean honest about everything. For instance, I clearly state in my profile that I not only have a fat ass, but a foul mouth as well, and I'm not one to play games or tolerate bull shit.  That being said, I've given any would be suitors fair warning, thus preventing any complaints of misrepresentation.  Lying about your appearance is pointless anyway, because what are you going to do if/when you meet someone? He/she is going to immediately realize you aren't 6'0", you don't weigh 130 pounds, nor do you have a head full of thick wavy hair.  If you are a large sized man or woman, say so. Post real pictures of yourself. If they like what they see, they will let you know. After all it's what is on the inside that truly matters. Lying about anything else is also foolish, because you can only hide the truth for so long, especially if you end up in a relationship with someone.

Now, you've connected with someone and started emailing, texting, and/or instant messaging, and maybe even chatting on the phone. Please, please, please remember your manners, engage your social skills if you have any, and for the love of Pete, DO NOT send anyone any photos of any body parts!!! Dear Lord, why do some men think I want to see their damn pecker before I actually see their entire body in person?  REALLY? I don't care how big it is, or proud you are of it, sending me a photo of your junk right off the bat, will not only get you laughed at, (by me and several of my girls) but you will never, ever have to worry about talking to me again, much less meeting me. Another no-no in this category is initiating sexual conversation, or injecting sexual innuendos or comments into a conversation the instant you start talking to someone. It's unnerving, disgusting, and you just don't know me like that you nasty bastard!

After hours of communicating via computer/phone, it's time to finally meet each other in person. Sure, you've shared quite a bit with this person, and you feel like you know them very well. That's fine and a very good thing, but once again, please use some measure of discretion, and don't immediately assume it's okay to pounce on somebody the moment you meet them. Personal space must be respected at all times, so grabbing your just met new love interest, and jamming your tongue down their throat might come across as just a little too enthusiastic. Also, during the course of that first date, keep your hands to yourself unless otherwise invited. It's nice when a man places a hand at the small of your back to help guide you, or gently takes your hand to help you, but if he begins your date by constantly trying to stroke your arm, rub your back, or generally pet you like a cat or dog, you might want to talk about personal space, and set some boundaries. If that doesn't seem to deter him, just do what I've done when politely declining such attention. Just casually smile, pick up your dinner fork (any sharp object will work) and in your sweetest tone of voice tell him you are going to jab him dead in the ass with it if he doesn't stop pawing at you.  Either he'll get the hint, or leave the restaurant with rather impressive puncture wound.

Well, I hope this simple advice will provide some of you with the confidence and insight to get out there and find the love of your life. If nothing else I hope you've learned what not to do on a date, and how to behave in a way that will attract, and encourage romance to develop. Of course, all I can do is tell you how to act when you meet someone new, it's up to you not to keep dating psychotic, nut jobs. After all, you picked them!   

Help! Captain Save A Ho!

My father once told me I would always be single because I'd never find a man with more balls than I have.  Well, it took awhile, but the right man with a bigger pair eventually found me, and we were happy until he passed away after five years of unconditional love. Now that I'm dating again, I'm finding dear old dad's statement to be truer than I'd like it to be, but I'm not real sure what, if anything, I can do about it.

After recently being told by a man I was once romantically involved with that, "You're like a man with titties", I had to take a step back and truly look at myself to understand just why he would say such a thing.  True, I'm not a prissy or fake type of female, but I try to take good care of myself, and Lord knows I'm a perfume, make-up, and accessories whore! I love pretty clothes and dressing nice, and you will rarely see me out and about looking unkempt. But, I know my football, love the outdoors and camping, hiking, fishing, and can out cuss any sailor, although I am very nurturing, a helluva good cook, and as a whole quite domesticated. My daddy made sure I know how to shoot, and handle fire arms safely, and I recently took the class to get my permit to carry concealed. I am not the damsel in distress type, and I can manage on my own when it comes to car maintenance, and minor repairs. I try to deal with life's unpleasantness with grace, and composure, and I know how to be a lady when I need to be one. I've been told I'm a strong woman based on the way I've handled myself during the really tough times I've experienced, so why does that make me less than feminine? Is it because I won't tolerate mistreatment, or poor behavior? Is it because I stand my ground, and demand respect?

I've always been more of a blue jeans and sweat shirt, than high heels and dresses type of gal, and after many years of struggling with my weight, I'm finally comfortable with being a plus size, and curvaceous. I like going to the gym, and staying active, and I'm much more self confident now at 46 than I was 20 years ago. So, why are men my age intimidated, or turned off by confidence, wisdom, and independence? Is it possible to be too honest? Should I pretend I need Captain Save A Ho to swoop in and rescue me? What the hell would he rescue me from?

I guess when I look at the overall picture, I like me just the way I am, and I'm not going to start acting like some simpering candy ass, poor little ol me type to attract or keep a man. If a man isn't attracted to me for being smart, sexy, funny, and down to earth, and/or expects me to change to suit his needs without taking my needs into consideration, then he is not the right man for me. Sorry Captain Save a Ho.... I can be my own super hero.

What It Isn't

We all know, understand, and sometimes struggle to accept one of life's most simple truths... It is what it is. But do we really know what "IT" is? I sure as hell don't, but I do know what it ISN'T.

Life isn't fair. At least it seems that way. Not one person in this world can honestly say they have never asked "Why me?".  Why can't I find real true love? Why can't I be rich, successful, smart, funny, pretty, skinny, famous, talented, brave, tall, older, younger, wiser, better.....? Why? Why do loved ones have to die? Why do people have to be so horrible, and evil? Is it a matter of fact, or perspective? Why?

Life isn't easy. From birth we learn how to survive, how to manage, and cope with all the things that we are exposed to on a daily basis. As we grow from infant into children, into teens, into adults, we are constantly learning, gathering knowledge that will sustain us as we venture out on our own. We are bombarded with information almost 24/7, and as technology advances, we find it harder and harder to shut off, much like machines. It's not easy to relax, because we are continuously processing data that allows is to live our lives in the routines we've established. Earning a living, providing for ourselves, and our families, securing food, clothing, and shelter, which are basic needs, but we want the best of what is basic.

Life isn't predictable. The sun will surely rise tomorrow morning, but it might not shine on all of us.  It's human nature to take the familiar for granted. It's so easy to just assume that person will always be there, and we neglect saying the things that need to be said. We think there will always be time to say I love you, thank you, you are wonderful, beautiful, kind, smart, amazing, important to me, I appreciate you..... the list of course is endless. But life isn't.

Life isn't perfect.  But it's as good as you make it. Right now, I'm learning that with the worst comes the best. After the worst time in my life, I'm at the jumping off place where I have the chance to live the best years of my life. I don't know what's in store for me, or even if I'll live to see another day. But each day that I am given, I am going to enjoy, and yes I am going to have those Why Me days, and hard times, and heart aches, and sorrow. But I also know I will have joy, laughter, good times, and love. That's the beauty of imperfection and what it isn't.

The Fabric of Love

"Love is the fabric which never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the water of adversity and grief." Anonymous

I found this quote yesterday, and it truly hit home. It reminded me of my parent's marriage, and how through some of the most difficult life events, they stuck together, worked together, to make it through rough patches that would have ripped apart weaker bonds. Their love was a very tightly woven fabric, durable, yet warm, and cozy, like a well worn favorite blanket that covered and protected our little family of four.  Even though both Mama and Daddy are long gone, I still find comfort from that blanket.   

The fabric of love isn't always as well knitted, or sewn together as we night hope for it to be, and often times it is pulled apart when two people aren't able to weave together their individual threads. Sometimes, the weaving process can be interrupted by one partner's selfishness, or fears, and incompatibility. Threads have to blend and mesh, and form a tight pattern to remain successfully woven, and not unravel. Loose ends must be clipped, and tied, and all too often weavers aren't willing to make the sacrifices needed to finish the fabric.  True, abiding love doesn't balk at frayed edges, or rough patches that might cause some wear and tear, but it pulls the threads that binds it's fabric together, and mends the damage. 

The fabric of love comes in a large variety of textures. Some are like my parent's, practical, and heavy duty, capable of enduring even the worst of life's wear and tear. Some are light and airy, soft as silk, sheer as gauze, while others are as tenuous as a spiders web, with threads thin and flimsy. What matters most is how the threads are put together to create the material the fabric is made of. The fabric of love is not made from jealousy, or spite. It cannot be woven from disrespect, or spun from deceit, and disloyalty. The fabric of real, abiding love can only be created from threads of honesty, respect, loyalty, commitment, shared hopes, dreams, and goals. Each weaver must be willing to give any, and everything to insure the quality of the fabric, weaving together their hearts, and souls, holding nothing back until the fabric is tightly woven together. It is not an easy, or quick process, but instead a lifelong endeavor.

I was blessed to share such a fabric of love with a very wonderful, talented, goodhearted man, for five sweet years. Sadly, our fabric was only meant to last for a short time, and now Moe is my guardian angel.  Although the fabric I shared with Moe has been folded up, and packed away, and I know I will one day weave a new fabric with a new love, I will always have a few of Moe's threads wrapped around my heart.

Seasons

Just like the seasons change in nature, they change in our lives too. Sometimes it's events, or people, or even both. Tragedies, and tribulations are the winters, triumphs, and joy the spring or summer. Some last longer than others, and some are as fleeting as autumn leaves in the breeze. I've always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, that there is a purpose behind the events and people who share the seasons of life with us.

Just as the flowers know when it's time for spring bloom, God knows when the time is right for each season in our lives. He knows when we are at our strongest to handle pain and heartache, and He rewards our faith, and perseverance with love, happiness, and hope. I always thought Moe came into my life during a time when I needed him the most, yet looking back, I now realize I was Moe's for the rest of his life not mine, and I made his last five years his best and happiest. God also knew when it was time for Moe to leave me, and He stuck by me even when I hated Him for the darkest season of my life.

Each life season is a milestone, something to reflect upon, and ponder, then store away as memories from which we've learned valuable lessons. Not all are pleasant, some are as bitter and cold as the deepest of winters, others as bright, and sun filled as the days of summer. But every season we live through and share with another/others is a gift no matter how negative or positive. Each season is a gift because in spite of the sadness that comes with the end of something good, or the relief when hardships fade away, every time our seasons change, we have a new opportunity, another chance maybe, for a fresh new start.

Now I'm in a new season, one of hope, and renewal, a new spring filled with great promise and possibilities. I can't foresee the future, nor do I want to. I've finally learned that one of the greatest gifts in life is living it unknowingly, without regrets, or fear of the unknown. I'm learning that living a good life is more about living in the present, navigating my current season day one at a time. Right now, life is pretty damn good.

Cheating Don't Lie

What makes a person cheat on their spouse, or significant other? Is it because they don't love them anymore but don't have the balls to end the relationship? Are they bored in the bedroom, and afraid to broach the subject for fear of rejection or ridicule? Were they cheated on and seeking revenge by doing what was done to them? Whatever the reason, there is no justification for infidelity, and although it's human nature to crave instant gratification, and make stupid mistakes, cheating tells the truth about a person and their relationship(s) and can't be undone.

In spite of all the variables that drive a person to infidelity, there should be some ground rules for creeping on your boo, and dealing with the fall out when you get caught, because you will get caught. First of all, if you are going to cheat, make sure it's with someone who is extremely dog ass ugly, and not nearly as attractive as the one you are cheating on. Why should this matter? From a woman's point of view it really doesn't matter, because she's going to be pissed off , but it can help ease her pain and suffering if she can tell hers friends that she herself is WAY prettier than that nasty ass skank ho her man hooked up with. Even if this is NOT the case at all, when you get caught, and you will, never reveal what your mistress really looks like (I'll explain later).,This gives a woman an easy out if she knows she can't compete because the other woman is a super model. That way the cheater victim can simply call the other woman a whore, and not factor in good looks . 
Women who cheat need to make sure their partner in crime is a broke ass bum, because men aren't that concerned about looks, but instead value their self worth based on their bread winning abilities. Nothing will crush a man's spirit quicker than learning that his beloved has left him for a man with a bigger bank account... size really does matter.

The next rather important rule of thumb when screwing around on and over your better half, is to take your dirty business AWAY from home and family. When your children run out the greet the mail man yelling daddy's home, you've gone too far. Trying to explain why Jr. so strongly resembles they UPS man isn't as easy as it sounds. Further more, no one wants to even think about another man/woman wallowing around in their bed, eating the groceries and watching the cable they pay for. That's just a slap in the face, and rightfully so, will cost you some serious alimony and earn you an ass whipping

The one thing that has always amazed me about cheating is just how emotionally damaging it can be, and the range of individual reactions that occur when the truth finally does come out. I can tell you from personal experience, that nothing hurts more, or can make you feel so dirty and used as finding out that the one person you completely trusted has destroyed the bond you share, not to mention shown a total disregard for your health and safety. Nothing destroys a relationship faster than disrespect, and cheating is the epitome of disrespect. So many times the victim of infidelity wants to blame the person their partner cheated with (hence the reason why you don't want to reveal your booty buddy's true identity), and yes if  that person willingly initiated a relationship with someone they knew was spoken for they are certainly at fault. But, the real fault lies with your spouse or significant other, because it is their duty to say NO in the first place, and that fact is why I just don't think a couple can recover from this major breach of loyalty and trust. Grudge sex is not the answer either, as that just puts you on the same level, making you just as big a cheater, if not bigger than the one who cheated on you!

So, the best advice I can give anyone about cheating on their mate is this... DON'T!!! Oh you can claim you have an open marriage/relationship, or pretend you don't know what's really going on, while everyone else knows your honey is buzzing with another bee, but in the long run cheating doesn't lie. Oh you can try to hang on as long as you think possible, but degrading yourself by clinging to a person who obviously doesn't care, and trying to carry a relationship that has run it's course will only bring you down even further. If you don't love someone anymore, end the relationship, and spare everyone involved the heartache and humiliation. It's the right thing to do, and you will feel better about yourself in the long run.. Unless, of course,  you are some nymphomaniacal pervert, who can't control your hormones, and have to screw around like a three balled tom cat. If that is the case, remain single and invest your time and money in large quantities of KY, carpal tunnel treatment, and unmarked packages wrapped in brown paper. You'll be doing the rest of society a huge favor.

2011 Hell in My Rearview Mirror

Time has a funny way of expanding, and contracting, and folding in around us, as it's measured by a second, minute, day, week, month, year. In the span of time, the beat of a heart, the blink of an eye, our lives can suddenly, impossibly, irrevocably change, and over time we struggle to make sense of the wreckage, gather the scattered pieces of the life we cherished, and slowly rebuild a new life that we must learn to accept, and eventually want to embrace and enjoy.

As I look back over the past twelve months, I find myself bombarded by a range of emotions as I truly realize all that transpired, and I've endured.  2011 began with several first anniversaries that tore at my heart, reminding me of just what I'd lost in 2010. As I survived each milestone in the grieving process, I learned more and more about myself, and as time went by the heartache lessened, and the fear of all things unknown began to ebb. The days crept by, and soon weeks passed into months, and I learned that I was stronger, and more capable than I'd ever thought I would have to be, and decisions were made that even in 2012 could once again change my life forever, hopefully with positive results.

Miss Loubirda Miles from Woodville, MS. once told me something that I've never forgotten, and have turned to quite often. "Baby girl, ain't every day goin be like peppermint candy."  She was right, and some days are always going to be sweeter than others, but it's the sour, bitter days that make them even sweeter. Only time and experience can teach a person that, and it took me the better part of my second year as a widow to relearn it.

 As 2011 unfolded,  I began to absorb, and comprehend the facts about the new life I didn't ask for.  I began to flex emotional muscles that had been left to atrophy while paralyzed by the intensity of my grief, and despair, just in time to face death once again, and offer support to my newly widowed cousin, and her family. Before I knew it the year was coming to an end, and I headed into the last season of 2011, ready to move forward with my new life, feeling more self assured, confident, fearless, capable of dealing with just about anything life sends my way, and believing that love might once again find me.

Now as I write this on the very first day of 2012, I can't help but feel hopeful as I look outside and see the bright sunshine on a beautiful, balmy day. In some way, perhaps today's lovely weather is a sign, a promise of good things yet to come in this brand spanking new year. I stopped making resolutions a long time ago, and just made a concerted effort to try to improve on all levels with the arrival of each new year. This year I am starting a new life , MY LIFE, and I'm resolved to live this new life, on MY OWN TERMS, without any explanation, or approval other than my own. Where hell and heartache once blocked my path, I'm behind the wheel firmly in control, and I'm going to enjoy watching them disappear in my rear view mirror.