If you've ever attempted to navigate the waters of online dating, then you have experienced just how deceitful, and low down some people are. Granted, I have met some very nice guys on plentyoffish.com or POF, who have become very good friends of mine, and maybe one day one of those friendships might become something more. But, in the meantime, here are a few pointers for any of y'all who are considering online dating, or just haven't had any success at finding that special someone, much less a date.
First of all, be honest. I mean honest about everything. For instance, I clearly state in my profile that I not only have a fat ass, but a foul mouth as well, and I'm not one to play games or tolerate bull shit. That being said, I've given any would be suitors fair warning, thus preventing any complaints of misrepresentation. Lying about your appearance is pointless anyway, because what are you going to do if/when you meet someone? He/she is going to immediately realize you aren't 6'0", you don't weigh 130 pounds, nor do you have a head full of thick wavy hair. If you are a large sized man or woman, say so. Post real pictures of yourself. If they like what they see, they will let you know. After all it's what is on the inside that truly matters. Lying about anything else is also foolish, because you can only hide the truth for so long, especially if you end up in a relationship with someone.
Now, you've connected with someone and started emailing, texting, and/or instant messaging, and maybe even chatting on the phone. Please, please, please remember your manners, engage your social skills if you have any, and for the love of Pete, DO NOT send anyone any photos of any body parts!!! Dear Lord, why do some men think I want to see their damn pecker before I actually see their entire body in person? REALLY? I don't care how big it is, or proud you are of it, sending me a photo of your junk right off the bat, will not only get you laughed at, (by me and several of my girls) but you will never, ever have to worry about talking to me again, much less meeting me. Another no-no in this category is initiating sexual conversation, or injecting sexual innuendos or comments into a conversation the instant you start talking to someone. It's unnerving, disgusting, and you just don't know me like that you nasty bastard!
After hours of communicating via computer/phone, it's time to finally meet each other in person. Sure, you've shared quite a bit with this person, and you feel like you know them very well. That's fine and a very good thing, but once again, please use some measure of discretion, and don't immediately assume it's okay to pounce on somebody the moment you meet them. Personal space must be respected at all times, so grabbing your just met new love interest, and jamming your tongue down their throat might come across as just a little too enthusiastic. Also, during the course of that first date, keep your hands to yourself unless otherwise invited. It's nice when a man places a hand at the small of your back to help guide you, or gently takes your hand to help you, but if he begins your date by constantly trying to stroke your arm, rub your back, or generally pet you like a cat or dog, you might want to talk about personal space, and set some boundaries. If that doesn't seem to deter him, just do what I've done when politely declining such attention. Just casually smile, pick up your dinner fork (any sharp object will work) and in your sweetest tone of voice tell him you are going to jab him dead in the ass with it if he doesn't stop pawing at you. Either he'll get the hint, or leave the restaurant with rather impressive puncture wound.
Well, I hope this simple advice will provide some of you with the confidence and insight to get out there and find the love of your life. If nothing else I hope you've learned what not to do on a date, and how to behave in a way that will attract, and encourage romance to develop. Of course, all I can do is tell you how to act when you meet someone new, it's up to you not to keep dating psychotic, nut jobs. After all, you picked them!
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