Monday, November 21, 2011

Mirror, Mirror

After perusing the pages of candid camera pics on People of Walmart, I realize there is a horrific shortage of mirrors in this country. If the federal government can provide free cell phones, health care, and housing, why won't they do the entire nation a huge favor and make sure there is at least ONE mirror in every home? After all if a minority of the populace suffers from a major lack of self respect, why should the majority of us have to suffer too?

Everyone makes fashion mistakes, but the key is to learn from them, and adjust accordingly. Yet, thanks to cell phone cameras, and the internet, America has been made painfully aware that when it comes to some folk's wardrobes, and personal appearances, school let out a long time ago.  Perhaps I'm just a stickler when it comes to looking my best. I know I'm a plus sized woman, therefore I strive to dress in a manner than shows off my best features, while minimizing the worst. I don't have any qualms about showing some cleavage, after all if his eyes are on the boobs, he's not paying attention to the train wreck from the waist down.  But, there is a huge difference between flaunting a firm, uplifted bosom, and Holy Shit that lady's got four arms!!!

So, large breasted women of America, lets all try to set a precedent by supporting ourselves first and foremost. Invest in a good, under wire bra, even though it might not be the most comfortable thing you'll wear, I promise you will be UPLIFTED physically and mentally!  Also, remember fashion rule number one: Just because it fits, doesn't mean you should wear it.  Don't let the mental image of how you wished you looked, get confused with your actual visual image. Do yourself and the rest of humanity a favor, check that reflection before you go public sporting a tube top, and booty shorts.

In the long run, it's what's on the inside that really matters, as beauty is only skin deep. But just keep in mind that while outer beauty will never hide inner ugly, it might help keep you out of jail, and off the internet.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Orgins of Nancyisms

It's often said and pretty much taken for fact that you are a product of your environment. A child's character is shaped by parental role models, and we learn morals, values, and social skills from examples set by the authority figures in our young lives. My parents were exemplary teachers when it came to imparting morals, good manners, and building character, but they have only themselves to blame when it comes to my personality and sense of humor.

So, if ever any of you have wondered why I am like I am, well the following examples of communications as a family from my formative years might explain it, or me, or hell just keep reading...

Me: If I do this and if I do that... If I'm really good, and if we went to this place or that place...
Daddy: If? Well if, if , if, IF my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle!"

Me: I'm gonna run away from home!!!
Daddy: Well, don't let that doorknob bump you in the ass on your way out.

Me: Can I have (something outlandish)? Can I? I want it!
Daddy: People in hell want ice water too! or, Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which one you get first.

Daddy's response to one of my idiotic stunts: Damn girl I swear if your brains was putty you couldn't fit a window pane in a gnat's ass!!! Another favorite: Hotdamn yougin if you ain't just et up with the dumb ass.

Mama's favorite response to my boasting, or threatened behavior: Yeah right Nancy, and a jazz band of monkeys is gonna jump out my ass and run down Main St. playing Who'd a thunk it!!!

Daddy's response to a sales pitch: If steamboats were selling for a nickle a dozen, I couldn't buy the echo off the whistle.

Daddy's response to dwelling on past mistakes:  Best let it go, hindsight's about as useless as foreskin.
Daddy's opinion of ineptitude, or laziness:  Now you know, (whoever/whatever) is about as useless as tits on a boar hog!
How daddy described his level of pain or illness: I feel like I been shot at & missed then shit at and hit all over!!
Daddy's descriptions of anyone unattractive: She's a melancholy ol` gal... she got a head like a melon & a face like a Collie! or Good God amighty, she/he got face that would stop a clock! also Uh n unh! he/she/they look like two turkey buzzards bumped asses & they're what fell out. and lastly, He/she/they look like they fell out of an "ugly tree" and hit every limb on the way down!

Daddy's descriptions of a nice behind: Hotdamn! When she walks her ass looks like two shoats in a gunny sack! That's what I call a noble ass.
Mama's description of a bad fashion choice:  That looks like ten pounds of shit in a five pound sack.
Daddy's description of a big butt: Kaaawow! I bet I could sit on her ass and dangle my legs!

Daddy's advice regarding our bad behavior:  Listen to dear ol' dad, do that and you better give your soul to God because your little ass is mine!

This list could go on and on, but this should be sufficient for you to gain a better picture of where Nancyisms came from. As you can see, daddy was way more colorful than my mother, but she could come up with some doozies of her own. My sister is also this way, but she has learned to manage hers better. So, if you don't want your daughters to end up foul mouthed, brutally honest, and unashamedly outspoken, stop and think before you show that baby girl what happens when she pulls daddy's finger, it's got to start somewhere, so nip it in the bud.
On November 24th, my dad would be celebrating his 81st birthday were he still here. Happy Birthday daddy, and thank you for my swift wit, sassy mouth, and colorful vocabulary... I think you did a pretty damn good job!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Dear Mama & Daddy, Thanks for Beating my Ass.

Recently, a grown  woman released a video of her father punishing her for stealing, by whipping her butt with his belt. The video became viral, and ended up on the national news as fodder for a child abuse scandal. I don't know this chick who posted it, but I'd say her daddy didn't tear that ass up good enough.

First off, I realize many of you will disagree with me about spanking your children, and I respect your parenting practices, as it's a free country, and they are YOUR kids. But, I can honestly say, looking back at how my parents raised me, I'm grateful for each and every ass whipping I got. We were NOT abused growing up. My sister and I are both hard working, intelligent, law abiding citizens, because mama and daddy instilled the fear of God, and them in us. Nothing was worse than falling from their good graces, and the belt wasn't nearly as terrible as that look JoAnne would give us when she was pissed and disappointed with one of us.

Secondly, I do not condone child abuse, as there is quite a difference between spanking a child and just beating the hell out of them for no good reason. When pushed to levels of rage that probably would have gotten one of us seriously hurt, (don't act like your kids have never pissed you off so bad you wanted to snatch their hair out of their heads!) Mama and Daddy often yelled and threatened, then after calming down they'd wallop us, but never once were we struck on a whim, or in a fit of rage. Growing up, my mother was not my friend, she was the boss, and so was daddy, and they both made it clear that they would not tolerate certain behavior, and we had an obligation to them, ourselves, and society to behave respectably. Rules were rules and set for a reason, and breaking them carried serious consequences.

Now, nothing disgusts me more than hearing a parent just rip on their kid like they are no better than a dog. Sure, mama was famous for telling us, "Do it again and I will slap your teeth down your throat!" Another favorite was, " Nancy, I'm going to slap the snot out of you if you don't quit that!!".  Daddy's favorite thing was saying, "You pull a stunt like that and you'd better give your soul to God because your little ass is mine!"  Nothing is worse than hearing a child berated for sport, and in many ways verbal abuse leaves the deepest scars.   As we got older, the belt was replaced with groundings, and backhands which taught sassy mouthed teenagers quick reflexes, but dodging didn't mean you wouldn't get from the other direction.  We learned that when it comes to respecting your elders and authority, there is no such thing as being "too grown".

Both mama and daddy are gone now, and at age 45 I can truthfully say I've never been in trouble with the law, I've held a job since I was 18 years old, and even now when I know I'm doing something wrong, I stop and think about what my parents would say. I didn't understand or appreciate all of their rules when I was a kid, and naturally I went through the age of thinking my folks were old school morons, but they knew what they were doing. In many ways it's a shame I couldn't have children, because I'd like to think I'd love my kids as much as mama and daddy loved me. But, in today's "spare the rod, and screw the brat up into a dysfunctional train wreck" society, if I had kids I'd get reported to Social Services when they needed to be reminded of just how much I loved them.