It's often said and pretty much taken for fact that you are a product of your environment. A child's character is shaped by parental role models, and we learn morals, values, and social skills from examples set by the authority figures in our young lives. My parents were exemplary teachers when it came to imparting morals, good manners, and building character, but they have only themselves to blame when it comes to my personality and sense of humor.
So, if ever any of you have wondered why I am like I am, well the following examples of communications as a family from my formative years might explain it, or me, or hell just keep reading...
Me: If I do this and if I do that... If I'm really good, and if we went to this place or that place...
Daddy: If? Well if, if , if, IF my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle!"
Me: I'm gonna run away from home!!!
Daddy: Well, don't let that doorknob bump you in the ass on your way out.
Me: Can I have (something outlandish)? Can I? I want it!
Daddy: People in hell want ice water too! or, Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which one you get first.
Daddy's response to one of my idiotic stunts: Damn girl I swear if your brains was putty you couldn't fit a window pane in a gnat's ass!!! Another favorite: Hotdamn yougin if you ain't just et up with the dumb ass.
Mama's favorite response to my boasting, or threatened behavior: Yeah right Nancy, and a jazz band of monkeys is gonna jump out my ass and run down Main St. playing Who'd a thunk it!!!
Daddy's response to a sales pitch: If steamboats were selling for a nickle a dozen, I couldn't buy the echo off the whistle.
Daddy's response to dwelling on past mistakes: Best let it go, hindsight's about as useless as foreskin.
Daddy's opinion of ineptitude, or laziness: Now you know, (whoever/whatever) is about as useless as tits on a boar hog!
How daddy described his level of pain or illness: I feel like I been shot at & missed then shit at and hit all over!!
Daddy's descriptions of anyone unattractive: She's a melancholy ol` gal... she got a head like a melon & a face like a Collie! or Good God amighty, she/he got face that would stop a clock! also Uh n unh! he/she/they look like two turkey buzzards bumped asses & they're what fell out. and lastly, He/she/they look like they fell out of an "ugly tree" and hit every limb on the way down!
Daddy's descriptions of a nice behind: Hotdamn! When she walks her ass looks like two shoats in a gunny sack! That's what I call a noble ass.
Mama's description of a bad fashion choice: That looks like ten pounds of shit in a five pound sack.
Daddy's description of a big butt: Kaaawow! I bet I could sit on her ass and dangle my legs!
Daddy's advice regarding our bad behavior: Listen to dear ol' dad, do that and you better give your soul to God because your little ass is mine!
This list could go on and on, but this should be sufficient for you to gain a better picture of where Nancyisms came from. As you can see, daddy was way more colorful than my mother, but she could come up with some doozies of her own. My sister is also this way, but she has learned to manage hers better. So, if you don't want your daughters to end up foul mouthed, brutally honest, and unashamedly outspoken, stop and think before you show that baby girl what happens when she pulls daddy's finger, it's got to start somewhere, so nip it in the bud.
On November 24th, my dad would be celebrating his 81st birthday were he still here. Happy Birthday daddy, and thank you for my swift wit, sassy mouth, and colorful vocabulary... I think you did a pretty damn good job!
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