Time has a funny way of expanding, and contracting, and folding in around us, as it's measured by a second, minute, day, week, month, year. In the span of time, the beat of a heart, the blink of an eye, our lives can suddenly, impossibly, irrevocably change, and over time we struggle to make sense of the wreckage, gather the scattered pieces of the life we cherished, and slowly rebuild a new life that we must learn to accept, and eventually want to embrace and enjoy.
As I look back over the past twelve months, I find myself bombarded by a range of emotions as I truly realize all that transpired, and I've endured. 2011 began with several first anniversaries that tore at my heart, reminding me of just what I'd lost in 2010. As I survived each milestone in the grieving process, I learned more and more about myself, and as time went by the heartache lessened, and the fear of all things unknown began to ebb. The days crept by, and soon weeks passed into months, and I learned that I was stronger, and more capable than I'd ever thought I would have to be, and decisions were made that even in 2012 could once again change my life forever, hopefully with positive results.
Miss Loubirda Miles from Woodville, MS. once told me something that I've never forgotten, and have turned to quite often. "Baby girl, ain't every day goin be like peppermint candy." She was right, and some days are always going to be sweeter than others, but it's the sour, bitter days that make them even sweeter. Only time and experience can teach a person that, and it took me the better part of my second year as a widow to relearn it.
As 2011 unfolded, I began to absorb, and comprehend the facts about the new life I didn't ask for. I began to flex emotional muscles that had been left to atrophy while paralyzed by the intensity of my grief, and despair, just in time to face death once again, and offer support to my newly widowed cousin, and her family. Before I knew it the year was coming to an end, and I headed into the last season of 2011, ready to move forward with my new life, feeling more self assured, confident, fearless, capable of dealing with just about anything life sends my way, and believing that love might once again find me.
Now as I write this on the very first day of 2012, I can't help but feel hopeful as I look outside and see the bright sunshine on a beautiful, balmy day. In some way, perhaps today's lovely weather is a sign, a promise of good things yet to come in this brand spanking new year. I stopped making resolutions a long time ago, and just made a concerted effort to try to improve on all levels with the arrival of each new year. This year I am starting a new life , MY LIFE, and I'm resolved to live this new life, on MY OWN TERMS, without any explanation, or approval other than my own. Where hell and heartache once blocked my path, I'm behind the wheel firmly in control, and I'm going to enjoy watching them disappear in my rear view mirror.
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