Pretty Woman

It ain't always hormones that makes us ladies cranky and out of sorts. Nine times out of ten a woman's irritability has to do with what she's wearing, how she looks, and whether or not she's hungry. Men have no clue as to what we have to endure in order to appear in public looking at least halfway decent, or presentable enough to prevent mass hysteria. Your man will tell you how beautiful you are when you first wake up in the morning because he wants sex. If he saw you out on the street with hair tangled up like a rat's nest, drool crust around your lips, and mascara boogers in the corners of your eyes, he'd run like a mad dog was after him. Oh sure, he loves seeing you in one of his t-shirts, and tells you that you don't need make-up to be pretty, but try to go somewhere with him in his beat up tee, without your "face" on, and at some point before you walk out the door he is going to get that deer in the headlights look, shuffle about uncomfortably, avoid eye contact and ask you if you are really going out like that. When you give him the stink eye and remind him that he told you that very morning that you were so lovely au natural, he will have one of two choices, neither in his favor, as he will have to A) agree and head on to where ever you were going and pretend to be proud of you, or B) admit he was lying in hopes of getting some action and beg you to glam it up for Pete's sake. Either way he knows he won't be getting lucky again for awhile.

Even after spending hours getting ready, waxing, washing, flossing glossing, conditioning, exfoliating, pampering and polishing resulting in our drop dead gorgeous best, (I'm talking shining like a diamond in a goat's ass, baby!!) if we even seem the least little bit grumpy, or bitchy a man will always chalk it up to that time of the month.  Well here's a newsflash Mister. You try functioning in high heels that fit like vice grips, wearing Spanx a couple of sizes too small in order to get maximum benefit, and a push up bra that is boring holes in your ribs, and you will swear you were being squeezed to death by an anaconda! Not to mention you haven't eaten hardly anything all day to make sure your outfit does fit, and you're hungrier than a jip wolf with puppies in January. Then, if and when you finally do eat something, God forbid you have to fart wearing all that and run the risk of imploding, or popping a button with such force you'll put someone's eye out!  So now you know that trying to look one's best isn't all it's cracked up to be!

Listen up boys, if you want to have a great relationship and score big with your woman in more ways than one, next time you see a female you're attracted to, or have a fancy date with your  steady sweetie, make sure she knows all her beauty efforts are appreciated, and tell her she's knock-out sexy gorgeous. Now, if you want to make sure you get lucky later, tell her she's looking a little too thin, take her out to dinner and encourage her to order dessert, prove to her that you think she is perfect just as she is, and later on when those Spanx do come off... lose your inhibitions and make sure ALL the lights are OFF! .