Life Wisdom

In spite of my still young age of 44, just a month plus from 45, I feel so much older than my physical years, based on my personal life experiences. I'm not the exception by any means, as people world wide have dealt with various life alterations far, far beyond my comprehension, but I do feel entitled to boast an unprecedented share of wisdom due to my own life altering experiences. Anytime we experience extreme emotional events, such as the birth of a child, marrying our soul mate, losing a loved one, for example, we gain immeasurable amounts of knowledge. Knowledge which varies as we process the experience, and all it entails. Joy, sorrow, love, hatred, pride, pleasure, fear, anger, jealousy, diappointment, dispair, piety, penance, hope, and relief, just the tip of the complex emotional ice berg humans are capable of feeling, and sharing in mutiple ways, all forms of knowledge that results in life wisdom.

Everyone's life wisdom is gained through normal processes of trial and error, learning from our own and other's mistakes. The vast majority of us gain wisdom/ knowledge through life lessons learned depending on our chosen paths, lifestyles, and behaviors we indulge in. The free will God gave us, is usually what determines the severity of harshness, or heighth of reward gained, although circustances and situations arise completely beyond our control, and we learn at the mercy of the elements involved. It is those events, the ones we encounter unexpectedly, without warning, and with such impact that the experience either shapes and enhances our character, or warps and deadens the spirit that remains. The choice is ultimately ours to make.

My early wisdom was gained through the priviledge of growing up in a family of strong southern women, being raised by parents who were totally committed to their children and each other, and having the fear of God pounded into my brain, and onto my backside as needed, considering my willful, headstrong nature. Over the past 44 years I have gathered knowledge from breaking hearts, and being broken, failing miserably, and triumphing over adversity. I've gained immense wisdom from a painful divorce, and self deception, bitter remorse, and dogged perseverance. I've thrived on the jubilation of unconditional love, and dispaired over betrayal, and foolish behavior. But, the three life altering events that have determined who I am, and how I continue my life, have been the most traumatic and soul blistering emotional journeys I've endured. Some might say death has honed my survival skills, and heartache has strengthened my determination, but each of the losses I've experienced resulted in different expressions of grief, and each one processed individually.

My mother's death caused by cancer was sudden, and at the time unthinkable. She was diagnosed on a Tuesday, and she died three days later on Friday, September 21, 2001, just days after the horror of 9/11. While mama's death was surreal, knowing the cancer was so advanced there was nothing that could be done other than trying to keep her comfortable, and I loved her enough to ask God to spare her from further suffering. Four years later, I would again  ask God to release my father from the ravages of cancer, and sit with daddy as he took his last breath. Thankfully, I had the love and support of the most wonderful, kind and caring man at that time, and I would eventually be blessed with four years of wedded bliss with that man. Little did I realize, the five years I shared with Maurice "Moe" Guillory would be not only the sweetest, happiest, but all too short lived, years of my life.

Looking back at our marriage, I understand now what it means to give of yourself, totally, and without hesitation. Even though I easily offered Moe my heart, he gave me more love, strength, courage, hope, joy, and respect than humanly imaginable. Moe gave me everything that embodies unconditional love, because he accepted me as I am, and reveled in my flaws, and imperfections. He took genuine pride and joy in the bond we shared, and taught me how to truly give of  myself. Moe gave me life wisdom based on pure love while he was alive. Now, as I've navigated this stormy and trecherous ocean of grief over the past 13 months, I am forever grateful for the wisdom gained from knowing Moe,and also from blind faith, and hard fought battles won. Without that wisdom, I would have fallen, succumbed to a pain so agonizing, and deep, I would never have been able to see my world unblurred by tears of hopelessness, again. Even now, as I forge ahead, and try to move on with my life, I am wise enough to realize I will love and miss Moe until I am with him again, but with each day that passes, I honor his memory with joy and laughter, fond memories shared with our friends and family, and I am finally able to take comfort in knowing that his spirit is always with me.